


Kizutsuita Kokoro (Wounded heart)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe - Yakuza, Angst, Character Death, Forbidden Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 19:44:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14776064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: Yamada looked at him from afar.He had been doing that for weeks.He brought him wherever the other wanted to go, he gave him a head start and then he followed him.





	Kizutsuita Kokoro (Wounded heart)

Yamada looked at him from afar.

He had been doing that for weeks.

He brought him wherever the other wanted to go, he gave him a head start and then he followed him.

He couldn’t take it anymore.

He was tired of lying to him, tired of always having to pretend with him that everything was fine, tired of having to make such an effort, but he knew he had no other choice.

The boss had given him that job almost two months before, and he had known straight away he wasn’t going to like it.

He was young, and the job was nothing special.

It was just about keeping an eye on the son of one of the most regular at one of the gambling’s house they controlled in Tokyo, whose debt had reached five millions yen. The man had taken his life a few nights after that, aware that the debt wasn’t going to die with him.

His son was only twenty-one, not a trace of a job nor of the chance of paying back such an amount of money on the date established.

Yamada felt sorry for him, because for a very similar reason he had been forced to join a yakuza’s clan, which was the last thing he had thought he was going to do in his life.

He still remembered his mother’s lifeless face in front of him, he remembered having been closed up into their house with the corpse until they had come for him, and how he had been thoroughly explained what his future was looking like. How he was supposed to work for them until the debt would've been extinguished. Interests included.

He was sixteen back then, but he wasn’t so stupid as to not understand what it meant: he was going to have to spend the rest of his life with them, because there was no way he was going to be able to pay the money back.

And that was why he managed to feel some empathy for that boy, whose life was going to be scarred, just like his own had been.

When they had told him his name, then, he had gone pale.

Chinen Yuri.

He hadn't been thinking about that name for a while.

Since he had graduated from middle school, over six years before.

He hadn't been thinking about him since his life had ended, and all that had happened before seemed to belong to a person that wasn’t really him.

He didn’t think about him, but he remembered him clearly.

He remembered his slightly feminine features, his thin body, his attitude always a little too much on the harsh side, hiding a much better person than the surface showed.

Yamada remembered to have felt something for him back then, but of having always kept those feelings for himself, afraid of judgement and rejection.

Weird trick, fate had played on him.

When he had headed toward his house, he had done that with heavy heart.

How could he do something like that?

How could Chinen come to the door, find a friendly face, and being betrayed by that same face?

He wished he could’ve run, but he knew his boundaries.

He hadn't run five years before seeing his mother’s corpse and what it stood for, and he wasn’t going to do it now.

The boy’s reaction, anyway, had surprised him.

When he had seen him he had opened his eyes wide, and then he had hugged him, a hug that he couldn’t reciprocate, feeling that it would've been too hypocrite to do so.

Then he had bared himself in front of him.

He had told him why he was there, he had told him what his task was, and he had told him that with tears in his eyes.

A million times he had heard that men don’t cry, ever, but it was a lesson, perhaps the only one, he had never learned.

And Chinen, moved or just confused by those tears, had asked him why.

Yamada had opened the gates.

He had told him everything he had never told anybody, for a lack of someone willing to listen.

He had told him about his circumstances and then, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, he had moved the subject to the pain he had felt, that he was still feeling, on the cage he felt closed up in, on that world he didn’t belong to, how he felt he had no reason to live.

The younger had listened to him carefully.

And then he had hugged him again, and this time Yamada was able to do as much.

When that night Ryosuke had left his apartment, headed toward his car, aware that he wasn’t going to leave that post, he had felt a mix of different sensations, and not all of those found their place inside of him.

He was glad he had found a way to vent, but he felt guilty because the one with the most serious problem, right now, was Chinen.

He had found the younger had stayed the same, as if years hadn't changed him, so there was something inside Yamada that had stirred back to life seeing his face, and he knew it was something that couldn’t bring anything good.

He was glad, so, of the time they had spent together, but he knew it was only going to make his job harder.

And he wasn’t wrong.

During the next days, Yuri had let him follow him as if he was oblivious to it.

He had told him he wasn’t going to run, that he wasn’t going to do anything stupid or careless, so there was no need for him to spend the whole day checking on him; but Yamada knew his orders, he knew what he had to do and he kept doing just that, no matter how much the other may reassured him.

A weird routine had been built between them. They spent time together, Ryosuke never left him alone, and yet the fact that the other was aware of his constant presence seemed normal to both of them, as if there was nothing wrong with 24 hours surveillance.

Yamada knew that even thanks to that the way he felt for the younger would've changed, that it would've grown to the point of becoming a weight on his chest, but he did nothing to fight that feeling.

Even though it was wrong, even though it was going to bring him more pain, for the first life in the past five years he felt alive.

 

~

 

That night Chinen had gotten off the car looking less confident than usual.

He had hesitated for a while before turning toward him, managing to smile.

“Want to come up and eat something?” he asked, biting his lip, nervous.

_No, thank you._

_I'm not hungry._

_I can't._

_I shouldn’t._

There were a hundred answers he should’ve given him, but he knew he didn’t want to.

He hesitated for a moment only, before smiling and nodding.

“Yes, I’d like that, thanks. But... you’re not forced to. I can just stay here, by now...” he paused. “I’ve gotten used to it.” he said, wincing.

The other ignored the implication of his words and patted his shoulder.

“I’m not forced. I'm asking because I want to. It’s likely we’ll end up eating instant ramen, but at least you won't have to be here on your own.” he said, shrugging.

Yamada had no other objection, or none he cared to speak out loud.

He got off the car, heading toward the building front door.

Once they were inside the apartment, he got more relaxed.

The place wasn’t big; Chinen had been living there since his father’s death, he made rent thanks to a few small jobs he had found in the hours he had free from college.

It was untidy and wouldn’t have passed an inspection from the health department, since the boy spent only his nights there, having no time to be there during the day.

But, for some weird reason, Ryosuke thought it was beautiful.

It made him feel like home, and he had often wondered how big a part of that feeling was given to Yuri, more than the apartment in itself.

As predicted, they ate instant ramen, sitting on the floor.

They ate quietly, and once they were done they looked at each other, embarrassed by the odd situation.

It wasn’t like when Yamada had knocked on his door, two months before.

There was something more in the air, there was complicity, but they both seemed to be ashamed of it somehow.

They had spent the past few weeks getting to know each other all over again, but that knowledge of each other lives, of what had happened during the years they hadn't seen each other, and what they had felt during the darkest moments of their existence, was of no use right now.

It was Ryosuke who made the first move.

He slowly shifted on the floor, getting closer to the younger, until there were only a few centimetres beteen them.

Slowly, he brought a hand on the back of his head, leaning over.

“You should stop me, Chii.” he said, a smile to hide his tension.

“I should.” was all the other said, then he closed the gap between them and pressed their lips together.

Yamada lost himself completely into that kiss.

There they was, resurfacing in his mind, those feelings from years before, when he hadn't had the courage to do exactly this, when he had deprived himself of the taste of those lips, of the touch of those hands.

But if there was something life had taught him at a high price, it was that when you got nothing to lose the risk in non-existent.

And he had nothing to lose.

He deepened the kiss, searching his tongue with his own, touching him, holding him, undressing him.

He made him lay down against the floor, climbing on top of him and kissing him again, on his neck, his chest, every centimetre of skin he found.

He wanted to feel him, feel that he belonged to him that there was still something for him in that reality to hold on to.

They had sex on the floor like animals, but it didn’t matter where they were, Yamada only wanted to feel that body around himself, hear his hoarse moans, the scorching hot skin under the touch of his hands.

When he came inside of him, he managed for those few seconds of oblivion to keep his mind empty from everything that was wrong in him, convincing himself just like that that there could’ve been a future.

Once they had both recovered from the orgasm, it was clear to him that it was just a nice dream, but he wasn’t too disappointed.

He was used to watch his dreams disappear, slip away from his fingers.

But it had been a while since he had last dreamt, and he held on tight to that thought just like he was holding Chinen, wrapping himself around his body, his head leant against the younger’s.

“We shouldn’t, should we?” the younger asked all of a sudden, his voice doing nothing to hide the sadness.

Yamada sighed and shook his head.

“No, we shouldn’t. But does it matter?” he said, resigned.

The younger raised his eyes on him, looking for an answer in his eyes, aware that there couldn’t be any.

Then he turned, hiding his face in the crook of his neck and letting Yamada hold him.

Ryosuke wished he could’ve told him that everything was going to be fine, that he shouldn’t have worried, that he would've protected him.

And he was going to do everything in his power to do so, but he didn’t say anything to him.

He didn’t want to let him hope, he didn’t want to lie to him.

How could he ever protect Yuri, if he had never been able to protect himself?

 

~

 

The day he should’ve paid his debt had come and gone.

His bosses had pressured him, and he had managed to buy Yuri some time, but he knew he wasn’t going to hold them off forever.

He had talked about it with Chinen, during the nights they spent together in the younger’s too small bed, often without managing to get any sleep.

They hadn't found a solution, because they both knew there wasn’t one.

It was too much money, and the more time went by the worse it got.

Yamada knew that from time to time Yuri looked at his life wondering if they were going to end up sharing the same destiny, and he could feel his fear.

Whenever it happened he held him closer, and said nothing to him.

There were more things he kept from him than those he said, but he couldn’t help it.

He couldn’t tell him that their hopes were hanging on a thread too thin to hope it was going to keep them afloat much longer.

That day his boss had called for him directly, and so he had seen his worse expectations become real before his own eyes.

He sat in the studio, feeling incredibly small in front of that desk, of those thin eyes gazing as if they could read inside of him, and he felt the instinct of bringing his hands to his face, so that he wasn’t going to see what had happened during these past few weeks.

When the man had started talking, his voice was too calm for Yamada not to predict the worst possible.

“Where are Chinen’s money, Ryosuke?” he asked, simply, arching his eyebrows and waiting for an answer.

Yamada sat on the edge of the chair, his hands clenched into fists, his nails clawing his flesh in the vain attempt of easing the tension.

“Aniki, Chinen-kun can't pay his debt. He’s doing some part-time job, but it’s too much money for him. If only you could give him some more time...” he begged.

He saw the man in front of him frown, and he didn’t take it as a good sign.

He had always scared him.

With that always apparently cheerful expression, that convivial attitude... Yamada knew it was all an act.

He saw his expression shift in a split second, and he was terrified by it.

The shadow of that horror was still in him, just like the man wanted it to be.

“Why are you the one asking for more time for him? Your task is just worrying about him paying us back, I don’t care how.” he replied, then he rested his hands on his desk and leant over, his eyes fixated on Yamada’s. “Or maybe you couldn’t be convincing enough.” he added, a devilish smile on his face.

The boy wished he could’ve lowered his eyes, but it was like fear was preventing him from moving at all.

He saw him raise his head toward one of the two men standing at the door, and he just had to nod for him to get out.

“I'm sure that Haruki will be able to get things done. After all, it’s my fault for demanding that a kid could take care of it.” he said, his smile never disappearing.

Yamada registered his words, and the reverential fear he felt for that man gave way to the horror for what he had just said meant.

He nodded repeatedly, apologizing and bowing in front of him, until he was let go.

Of course he hadn't been convincing with Chinen.

He knew he was supposed to use a whole other strategy.

Years before, he had been thought too well the meaning of the word ‘coercion’.

And he was well aware that Haruki was going to prove he knew that as well.

He lingered for a few minutes, panicking.

The instinct to run to Chinen’s place was strong; he was scared for him, scared for what was going to happen, for how they could hurt him.

Because he had promised to himself he was going to protect him, but he wasn’t going to be able to now.

He tried to look calm in front of the others, without standing out.

And then, as soon as he got the chance, he got out of that house.

He ran toward the care and, for the first time in years, he prayed the gods.

He prayed that there was still something to save.

 

~

 

He and Yuri were sitting on the floor.

The younger was crouched in a corner, his knees against his chest.

He was crying.

There were bruises on his face and his mouth was bleeding, but he was okay.

Of that, Yamada couldn’t but be grateful for.

But he wasn’t going to say it was fine, he couldn’t.

Haruki’s body was next to the table, a few metres from them.

A knife under his ribcage and his blood clotting on his clothes, on the floor.

On Chinen.

When he had reached the apartment, there was nothing left to do.

The younger had opened the door, shocked, trembling and stammering, repeating that it had been an accident, that he was only trying to defend himself.

Yamada had held him close, telling him he believed him and that he didn’t have to worry.

That lie echoed violently in his mind.

They couldn’t stay there much longer; soon, Haruki’s absence was going to be noticed, and they knew the address. There wasn’t a moment to spare.

He stood up, trying to keep out of his mind the smell of the blood, then he leant over the younger, helping him to stand up.

“We have to go.” he murmured, gently brushing a hand over his bruises.

“I’ve got nowhere to go. I only have this apartment and...” he swallowed, still looking confused. “Go away, Ryosuke. They know where I am, they’ll come looking for me. Please, I don’t want that because of me you...” the other put a hand over his mouth, firm.

“There’s my place. It’s no palace, there’s barely room for one person, but... you can hide there for a while, until we find a solution.” he said, then he went on. “And I don’t want to leave you alone, I don’t want to go. I just want you to be safe Yuri, try and understand that. If you’re safe, it doesn’t matter what happens to me.”

He saw that the younger was about to reply, but he didn’t give him time to.

He headed toward the door, making sure he was following.

They went to the car, and Yamada nervously drove to his place.

They went by Asakusa, and he saw Chinen starting to realize where they were headed.

During those months, he had never asked where he lived, and Yamada had never been willing to say that on his own accord.

When they reached Sanya, he stopped the car in front of a decaying building, overlooking a semi-deserted street.

“Sorry. I told you it wasn’t nice.” he said, embarrassed.

It wasn’t about choices: he couldn’t afford anything else, not with what little he had.

“Don’t apologize. You’re helping me. You’ve done that since the beginning, and I'm sure I don’t even deserve it. You know what you’re risking.” Chinen said, practical.

Yamada took his own face in his hands, running them through his hair, pulling on them, hurting himself.

“Stop it, Yuri.” he hissed, turning to look at him. “I've already told you I don’t care about what risks I take. I'm not doing this because it’s fun, I'm doing this because I love you. So shut up, follow me and try to keep yourself safe, if you care about my mental health.” he burst, getting quickly off the car and slamming the door.

The younger got off slower, staring at him.

As little appropriate it was for the circumstance, he smiled.

“What?” Ryosuke asked, visibly irritated.

“Nothing.” the other rushed to say, but couldn’t actually change his expression.

They got inside the building and reached the small flat.

Yamada felt ashamed facing the bare room, smelling a little of mould and dust.

He couldn’t even remember when it had been the last time he had set foot there; he had gotten used to Chinen’s place, to the warmth of those four walls and, despite the younger’s presence, he doubted he could find that in that place that was a sign of all his sacrifices.

Chinen looked around, and didn’t say a thing.

He asked if he could shower, then he went to the bathroom and came out a good half hour later, wrapped only in a towel.

“I didn’t bring any clothes with me.” he said shyly, and Yamada shrugged, rummaging through the small dresser working as a closet, taking out a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt.

“They’re going to be a tad big for you, I'm sorry.” he murmured, but the other waved his hand, as to say it didn’t matter.

When they got into bed that night, neither of them seemed to be in the mood for talking.

There was no need, there was nothing they could say to make things better.

Yamada brought an arm around Yuri’s shoulders, and the younger crouched against his chest; was it because of the lack of room in bed or because he just wanted to be close to him, it didn’t matter.

Ryosuke was about to fall asleep, when he heard him speak.

“You’ve said you love me.” he said, as if it was natural.

“Of course I did.” he replied, blushing. “I wouldn’t be doing all of this if I didn’t love you.” he added then, pulling him even closer.

There was silence again, and before he could close his eyes he heard a sleepy whisper.

“I love you too, Ryosuke.”

Yamada fell asleep, thinking that, had his mind not being weighed down by a thousand troubles,

he might’ve also felt happy.

 

~

 

Yamada knew.

He knew what was going to happen.

And he was ready to face it.

When they had found out about Haruki’s death, the order had been almost immediate.

And he was glad it had fallen upon him.

_Find the kid and kill him._

It had been a clear order, crystal-clear, no room for misunderstanding.

And he had nodded, leaving that house and going back to his flat, where he knew Chinen was waiting.

Despite what he had to face, that thought had made him feel better.

He had rushed inside, most likely scaring him when he saw him come inside flustered and panting.

 

_“You’ve got to run.”_

_“But...”_

_“No ‘buts’. I don’t care where you go, as long as it’s far from here. Run, don’t turn back and make sure they won't find you.”_

_Chinen had looked at him, and Yamada knew what he was about to ask._

_“What about you?”_

_“I’ll join you as soon as possible. We’ll text, alright?”_

Neither of them had believed that.

He had given the younger a few clothes to bring along, then he had stared at him for a time that had seemed to last forever.

He had held him close, kissed him, and then let him go.

The picture of his back while he left was the most painful he had ever seen in his whole life.

He tried to focus on him, on what was left of his presence inside that apartment, on what they had been through those past few months, and that was now going to be over.

He recalled every moment of it, every single one spent together, as if it belonged to a life that was far already, that he could only watch and not live.

The eyes of memory were cruel, merciless.

And he kept thinking about it the whole time.

He kept thinking about it while he went back to the lion’s den.

He kept thinking about it while he asked to speak with the boss.

He kept thinking about it while he talked to him like a robot, saying that he wasn’t going to kill Chinen, that nothing was going to have him do that.

That it didn’t matter what his debt with the family was, there were ways he wasn’t willing to use to extinguish it.

He wasn’t going to corrupt his soul to that point.

He wasn’t going to betray the man he loved, just because they had made him a shadow of who he had once been.

He had been expecting screams and shouts, but he got none of that.

Just, the boss nodded toward one of his lackeys, and he was carried out of the room.

He was forced on a car he didn’t know, and they left.

The road seemed lo last hours.

He knew his destiny, and now he just wanted to get over with it.

He thought about Chinen.

He hoped that he could be happy, wherever he might be.

That he could think he had abandoned him, that he could hate him for that, that he forgot he had ever existed, that they had been together.

That they loved each other.

He knew he couldn’t hope as much, but he amused himself into thinking it.

He was forced off the car in a deserted street, a poorly lit alley.

The man looked at him for a moment, giving him a crooked smile.

Then he took out the knife and stabbed him, the same spot under his ribcage where Chinen had stabbed Haruki.

He left, and Ryosuke was left there alone, dying like a dog.

He didn’t feel sorry for himself.

He had had a dream, before dying.

Now, he was going to keep dreaming forever.

He died out in that alley, his last thought running to the man he loved.


End file.
